


the edge of no tomorrow

by the1oo (divineauthor)



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: 7x11, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Becho Breakup, Canon Compliant, Coda, F/M, Hands, Hurt/Comfort, M-Cap, Mental Torture, POV Clarke Griffin, Pining, Radio Calls, The 100 (TV) Season 7, The 100 (TV) Season 7 Speculation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-13
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:35:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25875214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/divineauthor/pseuds/the1oo
Summary: Telling him the truth is going to get her killed, get everyone else killed, and it should hurt more. The betrayal. But all she can think is: Bellamy, what have they done to you?—•—Bellamy betrays her and now Clarke is just left wondering why.
Relationships: Bellamy Blake & Octavia Blake, Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin
Comments: 52
Kudos: 269





	1. i go where you go / go through armageddon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> could not sleep & needed to let my mind wander a bit with what could happen 👁👄👁 anyways if u see any typos i’m sorry i blacked out and 3k appeared 
> 
> title from: zayn’s “flight of the stars”

Clarke has done everything for her people. The one sin that weighs the least on her shoulders is lying. Clarke wraps herself in lies to keep everyone she loves alive and she’ll do it, happily even. But Bellamy walks through that door, frozen and dark-eyed and _alive_ and it’s like the world righted itself back on its axis, spinning normally once more.

Her only thoughts running through her head are _he’s alive, I have to tell him, have to keep him safe, need him next to me, safe keep him safe, he’s alive, he’s alive, he’s alive_. So she steps forward and hugs him despite knowing the guns aimed at them, despite knowing she’s in enemy territory with no easy way out because it’s _Bellamy_. And like a fountain, truth spills from her mouth easily, whispering about her plan into his ear.

What she doesn’t anticipate is Bellamy. Telling him the truth is going to get her killed, get everyone else killed, and it should hurt more. The betrayal. But all she can think is: _Bellamy, what have they done to you?_

Everything feels muted as the words leave Bellamy’s lips, “My Shepherd, there’s something you should know. Clarke doesn’t have the Key. The Flame was destroyed. I’m sorry.”

Clarke can only stare at Bellamy, even as Cadogan orders his people to send them to their rooms. She can’t focus, can’t hear anything. She’s watching Bellamy step forward towards Cadogan like… like he’s the answer to everything, like he’s so damn _sorry_ about the Flame that he convinced _her_ daughter to put in her head, and Clarke can’t breathe. What is he doing? Why is he doing this?

Distantly, she knows Octavia and Echo slid into a defensive stance, trying to ward off the attacks but they’re surrounded. There’s no way out and Clarke settles back into her body enough to give out an order. She can’t have them die here, not like this.

“Guys,” she says, her voice cracking at first. The chaos of the room stalls. She repeats, keeping her gaze locked on Bellamy until she looks at her friends. “Guys, just go with them.”

Bellamy’s in her periphery now, but he doesn’t even move at the sound of her voice. Echo shoots her an enraged look that Clarke ignores, but she catches Octavia’s eyes. They can fight, but they’re outnumbered in every way imaginable. This is not something to fight your way out of and as much as Clarke wants to put Cadogan in his place, there’s something seriously wrong with Bellamy and she needs to figure out what it is now.

 _I’ll think of something, just go,_ Clarke tries to convey. Octavia gives her a curt nod and lets herself get corralled into the middle of the room.

She hears Echo mutter, “Get the hell off of me.”

Then, Gabriel’s quick save: “Echo, stop, we’ll go, okay? Perfectly willing.”

“Speak for yourself,” Echo snarked before Octavia grabbed her arm.

Before they’re ushered outside, Octavia turns to her and says, “Clarke, I think they got to Bellamy somehow but I—”

“I’ll try to figure out what’s wrong with him.” Clarke swallows back her worries, and lies swiftly, “It’s gonna be fine, Octavia.”

“Be careful,” is all Octavia says before she’s out the door along with the others.

Clarke goes quietly, letting the fight that’s been sewn into her shoulders unravel. She needs to use her head to get them out of here, but it’s not particularly being cooperative as she hasn’t stopped thinking about Bellamy since she’s seen him.

She’s being led into a different hallway, opposite of where the others are, and she can’t help but try to catch a glimpse of Bellamy. She does, but something in her heart drops as he gives another man in the same clothes he’s wearing a wide grin, clapping him on the shoulders. How does that man get a reaction like that—what _is_ he to Bellamy? Clarke clenches her jaw. How long has he been gone? They must’ve come from the same place that Bellamy’s been, for a while too, going by how much Bellamy’s hair has grown. A couple months at least. Is that how they got him? Slowly wearing him down.

Just as Clarke’s being shoved into a room, Bellamy’s eyes meet hers, then slide away like water.

They keep Clarke in a separate room from everyone else. She’s not surprised, she can’t be after… after Bellamy. Even if she’s not the key, she’s had contact _with_ it and that’s probably enough reason for Cadogan to extract any information from her.

Clarke can’t even bring herself to sit on the cot a few feet away, just sliding down against the wall until her knees are up to her chest. She should be thinking of a way out of this disaster, a way to help save everyone she loves, but she can’t. She’s only thinking of one person and it digs into her sense of protectiveness. The selfishness she’s feeling.

But she’s never been good about putting the fate of everyone else’s lives over Bellamy.

A memory of a lifetime ago flashes steadily behind her eyes. The gun in her hand shaking. The survival of the human race on her shoulders. Bellamy on the steps, determined and stupid and loyal and caring and—

And Clarke’s weakness has always been Bellamy. She knows it like the back of her own hand. Maybe it will get her killed one day, but he’s kept her alive for so long, longer than he can even think to guess, that she thinks she’s even lying to herself. Bellamy’s the force in her life that keeps her heart beating. A ghost of a smile crosses her face as she remembers Bellamy in front of her, eyes soft, as she came back to her own body. It feels like ages ago since Josephine. He kept her alive until he brought her back. He never gave up and she won’t either.

She’ll bring him back. She just doesn’t know how yet.

* * *

* * *

No one interacts with her for a few days besides giving her food once in a while. Turns out that while Cadogan’s a terrible father and an ego-centric cult leader, he still treats his prisoners like humans. Clarke will put that one on her pros list.

Cadogan’s probably cooking up something special for her, but Clarke’s had enough time to process what happened to Bellamy with the little information she has. She doesn’t understand _how_ they, or the man Bellamy came with, managed to get him to believe in Cadogan’s bullshit. She factors in the time difference, but something still doesn’t click right with her. Bellamy… is so headstrong. He wouldn’t believe anything Cadogan preaches. She knows this because she knows _him_. So something must’ve happened on that other planet because, right now, she doesn’t get it at all, but it happened regardless of her understanding and now she has to give it her all to save Bellamy from whatever cult propaganda they put in his mind while also keeping her own people safe.

Just another dilemma in the day in the life of Clarke Griffin.

By day three, Clarke’s itching for something to do in here, even if it’s just to keep her hands busy. The last time she was stuck in prison isolation was back… back at the Ark. She had drawn in her room to keep herself from going crazy, but she has nothing in here besides the cot. She can’t communicate with the others for obvious reasons and she has to admit, after the past couple of weeks she’s had, it’s actually boring. After Praimfaya, talking to Bellamy on the radio was the only thing that kept her sane, and then she met Madi and her world got less lonely. But now she’s stuck on a planet called Bardo with nothing to do and only her wits and her determination to get herself and her friends out of this mess.

That is, until Bellamy walks in, and Clarke stands up so quickly the others raise their weapon in defense. He says, “It’s fine. Can you all give us a moment?”

They move out and let the door slide shut and Clarke finally slows her movements until she takes him in, in all his entirety and she has to bite back her lip to keep it from trembling. He looks like _her_ Bellamy, before Praimfaya, his snow-crusted layers are exchanged in favor of white disciple clothing, but what she’s focused on is him: his hair shorter than it’s been, that beard of his shaven off and she can see his lip scar as his mouth moves, and his freckles are more pronounced than ever, especially under these lights. It’s like he stepped off from her dreams back on Earth. Her Bellamy, a little older, but still the same.

But he’s not her Bellamy and he never has been. Not in the way that counted—the way she wanted.

There’s a painfully pleasant smile on his face that makes her want to wring his neck until all his common sense comes back, but she keeps to her side despite how much she wants to be closer. But it’s not safe and, God, despite how many times they’ve hurt each other before she’s always felt _safe_ with him. It’s what gets her hurt in the first place, but they always forgive each other.

But something about the Bellamy right in front of her makes her wary. She needs her Bellamy back, as soon as humanly possible, but she’s seen the blind loyalty of Cadogan’s disciples. It’s militant how much power faith gives Cadogan.

“Clarke,” he says and her eyes automatically snap up to meet him. He’s giving her a soft look and she can’t _bear_ it because everything still seems normal, but nothing about this is. “I’ve given the Shepherd all that I know, but you’ve had more contact with the key than I do so—”

“The Flame,” she corrects. She doesn’t know why.

He pauses, then nods. “Yes. He’s going to get any information you have.”

“It’s funny you think I’m gonna tell him anything.” Clarke huffs out a laugh.

“Clarke, he will take it forcefully if you won’t cooperate.”

For a second, she closes her eyes and imagines this in another world. Bellamy always tries to look out for her, to protect her and this sounds exactly like something he’d say. So she pretends. But there’s something different about the way he says it, like he’d be angry at _her_ for refusing.

Clarke takes a step closer until she’s close enough to touch, but any fight she has trapped in her muscles die. It’s weird seeing him like this. She hasn’t had much time with him since they left Earth, but she had grown fond of the beard, of the long hair. And now, seeing Bellamy like this—it’s a mismatched puzzle. He looks like her Bellamy before Praimfaya dressed in clothes from Bardo, but wearing the same lines on his face as Bellamy did when he left Sanctum. She falls into the temptation and reaches out to brush her hand against his cheek. His skin is soft and warm underneath her fingers. She’s suddenly star-struck by the way his eyes slowly close, the way his head leans into her palm. She whispers, like a secret, “What happened to you, Bellamy?”

Bellamy stills and there’s a hitch in his breath that’s almost unnoticeable if she wasn’t an inch away. He steps back and visibly straightens.

“The Shepherd brings us call, the Shepherd brings us wisdom, the Shepherd brings us love,” Bellamy recites, looking away. “And the Shepherd will do what he needs to. For all mankind.”

He moves to go to the door, but just as his hand hovers over the scanner, she asks, “But what about me?”

“What do you mean?” He doesn’t turn his back, doesn’t move at all.

“What do you think _I’ll_ do?” Clarke steps forward until she’s behind him. Her body buzzes as she nears him. “For _my_ people.” _For you._

She doesn’t let him answer. She just places her hand over his and pushes down lightly, just until the door beeps and slides open. She lets go and steps back, watching as Bellamy’s hand clench at his side before he walks away.

The door slides shut yet again, but she can’t help the smile that crosses her face. It’s a single moment, not even that, but she can feel something underneath. It feels like her Bellamy. It feels like _hope_.

Clarke can’t really be surprised. Bellamy always does bring her hope. Besides, they’re both still breathing, aren’t they?

* * *

* * *

It’s another few days, maybe a week, before they bring her to a white room with a single chair. She quietly wished Bellamy would come back because it just looks like he needed a nudge back into himself again but it’s either he has other duties to attend to as a new disciple or he’s avoiding her. Maybe it’s both, but she wouldn’t know.

As they move her, she sees Bellamy guarding the entrance and her friends moving too. Clarke stands still until her own guards pull her away through the door. But not before she sees Octavia storming up behind her and asking, “Bellamy, what are you doing?”

“What I have to do,” is the last thing she hears before they manhandle her into a chair, strapping her down limb by limb. She looks up and tries to fight the fear in her chest. Octavia described this to her, vaguely, days before Bellamy came back.

They’re going to rifle through her memories.

With that, Clarke struggles against her restraints until Cadogan and Bellamy walk back in, along with Levitt who looks better than she last saw him.

“What the hell are you doing?” she spits out.

“Gathering any information you have on the key,” Cadogan replies, voice deceptively even. “You really misunderstand me, Clarke. All I want is to end the war to end all wars. I want what you want, why can’t you see that?”

“So you’re just going to scour through my head?” Clarke scoffs. “You’re delusional.”

Most of her memories of the Flame are tied to Madi and if he even _touches_ her, he won’t see the light of day. Hundreds of disciples at his beck and call be damned. She has to resist. She needs to. To keep her safe.

Cadogan just doesn’t speak. Instead, he turns to Bellamy and a couple of others and starts to gesture towards her. In a moment, Levitt comes by her, looking apologetic as he steadies the contraption down over her head. He whispers, “If you try to keep us out of your memories, it will hurt. Octavia—”

“I can’t give you the memories.” He seems like a sweet man and Clarke can see how she’s fond of him.

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I-I can’t do anything while he’s in the room. My hands are tied.”

“Are we ready?” Cadogan calls out and Levitt straightens and puts on a pair of glasses.

“Yes.”

“The begin already.”

Levitt purses his lips then the lights dim slightly to a colder blue and that _thing_ on the wall comes down with a steady buzz. Clarke stiffens and tries to move her body away, but it doesn’t touch her. Levitt says, “You’re in a vast desert. There’s an insect buzzing in your ear. What is it?”

Clarke struggles and keeps her mind blank. It’s harder than it looks and she can’t help a few flashes trickle through, but she locks it down tightly. Nothing is leaving her mind. Especially not the damn Flame.

Clarke breathes out harshly as her head burns. God, this is so much harder than it looks.

Levitt sighs and repeats the question. “You’re in a vast desert. There’s an insect buzzing in your ear. What is it?”

Clear mind, Clarke. The walls are a sickly white, so bright that it makes her eyes burn. Squeeze the chair. Anchor your body.

Levitt repeats and repeats and repeats again and Clarke is slowly losing her damn mind. She’s sick of deserts and insects and her neck aches from straining, her fingers almost lock from the way they’re gripping the armrests. There’s a slick sheen of sweat across her body. She’s sure she’s bleeding because she had to slam her head into whatever they strapped her to and she felt it scratch against her temples.

“You’re in a—” Levitt starts again when Cadogan interrupts with a wave of his hand.

“Start a different path, this one doesn’t seem to work.”

Her eyes strain as she watches Bellamy, but he’s not even _looking_ at her. God, Bellamy, please. She lets a tear fall and clenches her armrests again.

“You’re in an endless desert with a vast purple sky. A hand reaches out for your own. Whose is it?”

Clarke blames her moment of weakness on the phrasing because she’s dreamed of this before. Back on Earth when she was alone and dying of it. Out there in the unforgiving sand and heat, she’s hallucinated him. Imagine he’d pick her up and carry her away to a safer place. Imagine he’d come down and take her away from it all.

A strong hand, brown and warm and callused, reaches for hers. Her fingers shake until they meet him. Just like when she got the Flame—

 _No._ She struggles against her restraints and her mind feels like it’s on fire and she can’t help the scream that escapes her lips. Not that. Bellamy. Just Bellamy’s hands. Bellamy, Bellamy, Bellamy.

They can have him. Just not, not _it_.

Bellamy is safe. Memories of him are safe. They already have him. So she lets her mind wander.

Images of Bellamy flash across her mind: the way he breathes out her name, the way he feels when he tucks her into his body, holding her close. Bellamy. Bellamy. Bellamy. Bellamy saving her from Diyoza, Bellamy soft with sleep, writing her name down. Bellamy beside her through everything.

“Neural link is engaged.”

_I’m sorry, Bellamy._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed !!!! find me on [tumblr](http://the1oo.tumblr.com/) :D can i technically add bellamy’s pov to this and insert radio calls? yes, of course. will i do it? perhaps...
> 
> EDIT 08/14: am currently trying to write a second part lmao


	2. all i ever wanted / is right in front of me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Bellamy wants peace. It’s all he’s craved for years, back on Earth, on Sanctum, on each planet he goes to because it seems like the stench of death follows him around like his own shadow. He wants the violence, the bloodshed, all the wars to end and the Shepherd is giving him that._
> 
> —•—
> 
> Bellamy is walking on a tightrope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this part to spite jason <3

Bellamy wants peace. It’s all he’s craved for years, back on Earth, on Sanctum, on each planet he goes to because it seems like the stench of death follows him around like his own shadow. He wants the violence, the bloodshed, all the wars to end and the Shepherd is giving him that. It makes sense. The last war.

After he gets cleaned up and it’s a damn sight to see himself this clean-shaven in the mirror, the Shepherd—Bill, as he tells Bellamy to call him—invites him to a room. Bellamy slides the Shepherd’s Passage Doucette granted him in his pocket and finds Bill in a few short moments. There’s a single lit candle in the middle of a short white table and two bowls: one in front of Bill, the other in front of the empty spot. Bellamy settles down into the cushion and takes out the passage, holding it like an anchor.

Bill picks up the bowl in front of him and takes a sip, draining the thing in almost one go. Granted, it is small. “It’s nice to see you again, Bellamy.”

“You too, my Shep—Bill,” he corrects himself once he sees Bill’s expression. “Is there a reason why I was called? I’ve already given you any information I had with the M-Cap.” Bellamy won’t say it, but when he first saw it, he balked. There’s no accounting for taste or comfort here apparently.

Bill nods. “I just want to make sure you’re loyal to the cause.”

“I am,” he agrees, almost vehemently. Any lingering regret telling him about Clarke… about the Key has faded the longer he stays. It’s for the right reasons, he’s going to save them all. Isn’t that what Clarke wants? It makes sense to him. It does.

“Your friends don’t believe in what we are trying to achieve, Bellamy.” Bill’s wearing a sorrowful expression that makes Bellamy’s own jaw clench with sympathy. “They favor their own people more than they do humanity.”

“I know, but if I could just talk to them—”

“And you will,” he interrupts. He holds out a hand and digs into his own pocket to pull out a photograph of his family. Similar to the one Doucette carried around in Etherea. “I love my family. I do. But I love them as much as anyone else.”

In a second, Bill reaches out and puts the photo above the flame, waiting until it catches on fire and burns in his hand. Smoke fills Bellamy’s lungs and he watches with solemn eyes as Bill continues.

“If they were here with me and I had to sacrifice them to save humanity, I would. It would hurt, of course. But I feel better knowing they died for the cause.” Before the flame reaches his fingers, Bill drops it into his bowl and sighs. “Tell me, Bellamy. Will you sacrifice your friends to help the cause?”

Bellamy’s mouth is dry, but he finds it in himself to say, “Of course, Shepherd.”

Bill smiles at him and gets up, rubbing his hands genially. “See if you can convince your friends to join.”

Bellamy nods stiffly.

Bill leaves the room and Bellamy sits alone, waiting for the smell of smoke to disappear. He waits until all that’s left in Bill’s bowl is ashes. He leans forward and blows out the candle.

When he leaves, Bellamy still doesn’t know if he was telling Bill the truth.

He visits Jordan and Hope’s room first and he’s still getting used to the fact that Diyoza’s child is now a full grown adult. But then again, he dealt with this kind of situation before with Jordan and he had no clue Jordan was even an entity before he woke up so Hope was honestly less of a surprise. It doesn’t take long before he figures it’s hopeless to convince them about the Shepherd’s cause. They just don’t _get_ it. They didn’t experience what he did and he feels a gap between their understandings. Jordan tries to tell him about the language the Bardoans wrote about the war, a mistranslation, but Bellamy just shakes his head and claps him on the shoulder, giving Hope a nod that she doesn’t return.

Hope simply glares at him and says something along the lines of: “Auntie O loves _you_? Clarke has her head on straight at least.”

Bellamy stays silent.

Jordan shoots him a glare that reminds him so much of Monty and Harper and—it just makes him so much more determined. He’s doing this for them. Bellamy is trying to do better, to be better, like Monty would want for them.

So he leaves and finds Niylah and Miller’s room. The moment the door slides open, Miller still sits on his cot, stunned.

“They… they told us you died,” Niylah says.

Miller furrows his brows and takes in his attire. “What are you wearing, Bellamy? How’d you manage to get star treatment here—” He cuts himself off and his lips thinning. He stands up and so does Niylah, but Bellamy has his eyes set on Miller. His friend. “Bellamy, tell me what the hell is going on.”

“I need you to join the cause,” Bellamy breathes out, hoping for a glimpse of understanding. Miller steps back and Bellamy feels the distance like a gaping wound.

“No.” Miller shakes his head. Bellamy goes to take another step forward, but Miller looks down. Why can’t anyone see that he’s doing it for them? For everyone. He just wants to stop all the pain and suffering in the world because God knows they’ve encountered their lion’s share of it. “Bellamy, you’re my brother and I love you, but this… this isn’t the right way to go, man. Cadogan’s not the good guy here.”

“Miller, please, you have to listen to me—”

“No, Bellamy.” His voice is stern and he purses his lip, then settles back down on the cot. “Just go.”

Right before he leaves, he hears Miller say, “For what it’s worth, I’m glad you’re alive, man.”

The door slides shut before he can respond. _Me too_ , he thinks.

His next stop is Raven and Echo, but he hesitates going in. Doucette told him about the lack of romantic relationships within the Disciples. They grow babies without the need of human bodies and, back on Etherea, he made a face that Doucette laughed at—though, that might’ve just been the frigid cold. No romantic attachments foster an equal environment of love for all. He doesn’t know if he can do that. He’s loyal to the cause, of course, but… he _likes_ relationships.

But Bellamy’s changed. Or, at least, he thinks he has.

The moment he enters their room, Echo jumps to her feet. Raven follows behind, but stays in the background while Echo gives him a wary once-over.

“Please tell me you’ve got something up your sleeve,” Raven asks, crossing her arms.

Bellamy just holds his hand in front of him and sighs, looking at a spot in the ceiling instead of them.

“No,” Echo finally says, shaking her head. Bellamy finally takes her in. She’s older, her hair’s shorter. He knows she’s been on Penance with the others from Bill and he can’t help but find himself so far away from her. He knows what she’s done after they thought he died, knows what she might do in his name. He wants this senseless violence to _stop_. “Bellamy, you can’t be serious.”

“Echo, it’s for the good of humankind,” he tries to explain, but there’s a hard glint in her eyes that means that she won’t budge. Convincing his friends without giving them something like what he experienced—it’s going to be difficult. Maybe impossible by the looks of it. “You know all I’ve wanted is peace.”

“No, that isn’t the Bellamy I know,” she spits out. “That isn’t the Bellamy I _love_.”

“Well, then maybe you didn’t really know me,” he snaps. He’s tried to maintain composure, but after seeing all his friends and getting none of them to see his view, he’s not feeling all that calm.

“I do—”

“No, Echo,” he cuts her off. He finally realizes why they have no romantic relationships. Doucette was right. Getting attached to one person… it means putting them above all others. He can’t do that. Not anymore. “We’re done.”

“What?”

Bellamy sighs. “I have to focus on the cause and you’re… you’re everything it stands against.”

“What are you saying, Bellamy.”

“We can’t be together anymore.” Not when all of humanity is at stake and Echo is against Bill, against him.

Echo is stiff, unyielding, until Raven holds her arm and she takes a step away from him. She says, voice low, “And I don’t want to be with someone who’d betray their people like this. You were their leader. You dishonor them by doing this.”

Bellamy closes his eyes for a second. “I’m not—”

“Just go, Bellamy,” Raven says, her lips in a thin line. Bellamy nods and leaves.

A couple of guards have been following him all day for protection. They stay outside while he tries to tell the others about the cause and he was fine with it until right now. He needs a break from them, but he still needs to talk to Octavia and Clarke, both of whom have separate rooms. He hears their feet clacking behind his across the floor and he’s on edge by the time he reaches Octavia’s room. He opens the door and waves off the guards. Octavia’s laying down on a table and something about the scene in front of him brings a smile to his face.

She opens her eyes just as the door slides shut. “Hey, big brother.”

It’s the friendliest greeting he’s had all day and he softens. “Hey, O.”

She twists until she’s sitting with her legs crossed on the table. She smiles wryly and presents the chair to her side. He sits down and he’s never felt more uncomfortable in clothing in a while. The outer wear is sturdy and he felt better wearing pieces of it on Etherea.

“I’m sorry about what happened,” he says.

“You should be telling Clarke that more than me, Bell.”

“I’m not sorry that... that I told him. But I’m sorry that it’s caused you pain.”

Octavia is silent, but then she squeezes one of his hands. “You think they’re giving everyone peace. Cadogan and all the Disciples.”

“Yeah,” he breathes out. And Octavia is a far cry from the person she was on Earth, even on Sanctum and he knows why. She’s had years without him and maybe she’s even older than him now, but she’s still _his_ little sister. She always will be. And maybe he shouldn’t think like that because people will believe he’s giving her preferential treatment or whatever, but even when he was so angry at her, he still loved her. Maybe he can love her just as much as he loves all of humanity, or he’ll die trying.

“You know, I can’t join you,” she whispers. He knows. God, he knows, but it still hurts anyway. “I love you, Bell.”

He stands up, but he can’t leave without giving her a hug. He holds the back of her head and sighs. He murmurs into her hair, “Love you too, O.”

He leaves and takes the time to get himself together as he walks down to the other side of the hall. Of all the people he’s seen today, Bellamy thinks Clarke will be the hardest. She will never back down and he knows that for a fact because he knows her like she’s a part of his own body. Always there, integral to him. He’s betrayed her more times than he cares to admit. Clarke is his weak spot, something he can’t have. Not when he’s trying to save humanity.

Bellamy walks in and Clarke jumps to her feet in an instant. The guards behind him raise their weapons, but he tells them, “It’s fine. Can you all just give us a moment?”

They lower their weapons and go, leaving him alone with Clarke in the room for the first time in what he’s felt like has been ages. She looks just as pretty as when he first walked into the room where he came back from Etherea, confident and radiant with it. And he should be thinking about how to apologize, or talking about the cause, or anything other than the fact that she’s still so damn beautiful because he just broke up with Echo maybe twenty minutes ago and he has the whole of humanity to think about but—

But nothing can stop his mind from thinking about Clarke Griffin.

Bellamy tries to force a smile on his face and begins.

* * *

* * *

Bellamy knows being here while they use the M-Cap on Clarke is a mistake. After the day when he went to Clarke’s room, he’s been a mess. Clarke didn’t even _do_ much, especially compared to some of the others, but the impact of her presence on him weighs heavily on his heart.

Bill’s cause will help all of humanity, he knows, but something about Clarke makes him want to forget everything. But he stays strong, he has to stay strong.

The first few times of trying to dig into Clarke’s head isn’t bad. She’s struggling, of course she is, she’s _Clarke_ , but then:

“...buzzing in your ear? What is it?”

Clarke gasps and she’s thrashing against her headpiece and she’s bleeding, fuck, she’s _bleeding_ and he’s standing there like an idiot. She’s murmuring _no no no_ underneath her breath and Levitt hisses.

“Almost got a neural link there.”

Bill’s beside him, calm as can be, but Bellamy can barely pay attention to him because Clarke is trembling and the knuckles of her palms turn white against the armrest. She’s in pain and it’s his fault.

Clarke lets out a soft cry, then a stifled whimper and Bellamy forces his head down to avoid looking at her. It’s his fault. It’s for the best, he tells himself. But then Clarke thrashes again and Bellamy closes his eyes, unable to look at her. For the best, he repeats to himself.

Bellamy can’t keep track of how many times Levitt has done this but Bill cuts him off.

“Start a different path, this one doesn’t seem to work.”

Bellamy watches as Levitt nods, his eyes straying away from Bill’s face and his Adam’s apple bobbing as he looks at Clarke.

“You’re in an endless desert with a vast purple sky. A hand reaches out for your own. Whose is it?”

There’s nothing for a moment and Bellamy can see the slick blood running down her face and he feels sick. He did this to her.

Then, Clarke screams and Bellamy almost runs to her, but the steady weight of Bill’s attention holds him down. Barely.

“Neural link is engaged.”

Levitt moves towards them, pulling up a hologram and flipping through it with practiced ease. Bellamy’s eyes are on Clarke, who looks like she passed out, but Bellamy can’t tell from here. He’s about to move to her when he hears her voice. He turns around and sees Earth, a bit barren, but trees still spotting the land.

“Bellamy, if you can hear me, if you’re alive, it’s been 2199 days since Praimfaya. I don’t know why I still do this everyday. Maybe it’s my way of staying sane—not forgetting who I am… who I was. It's been safe for you to come down for over a year now. Why haven't you? The bunker's gone silent, too. We tried digging them out for a while but there was too much rubble. I haven't made contact with them, either. Anyway, I still have hope…” Bellamy almost chokes back a smile. _Hope_.

“Tell Raven to aim for the one spot of green, and you'll find me. The rest of the planet, from what I've seen, basically sucks, so—nevermind. I see you.”

Bellamy stands still until Bill shakes his head. “Go further back, this isn’t what I wanted.”

“Of course.”

Bellamy doesn’t feel like he’s even here, lulled by Clarke’s voice. He sees a different view: the side of the rover and Clarke’s own hand, holding the radio. She presses it and it crackles.

“Hey, Bellamy.” Her voice is rough and Bellamy’s hand clenches at his side. She’s sick. “It’s been three years and twenty-one days since Praimfaya. I think. I kinda passed out and it’s really dark in here.” Clarke coughs. “I miss you. It… it’s so hard to do this without you. Sometimes I wonder what it’d be like if you had Nightblood too. If you were here with me. Maybe this wouldn’t be so lonely—”

Bill waves his hand and Levitt nods.

Bellamy almost screams, _No_ , but his throat is thick and his legs feel like lead. Bring her back. He wants to hear her. God, he wants—

“Bellamy,” she says, her voice washing over him. She’s so damn happy, he can _hear_ it in her voice. “It’s so beautiful here. I-I forgot Earth can be this beautiful.” She runs her hand through the wildlife and Bellamy can’t help but smile. “Wish you were here, but you have a couple more years to go.” She pauses and brings her hand up and feels the sun seeping through her fingers. “I love you, Bellamy. Stay safe for me.”

Bellamy’s heart pounds through his ears and he can’t take a break because he’s stuck in here, with them, while they take advantage of Clarke. Fuck, this is all his fault. She loves him and he’s the cause of her own suffering.

“No, go back. Further this time,” Bill orders and Bellamy feels a spike of fury run up his spine, steeling it until it hardens. They’re violating her, her _memories_ and she’s restrained in that damn chair and he doesn’t know what to do.

This is Clarke.

Clarke, who’s always tried to do her best for him, even when it hurts. Clarke, who’s called him for six years everyday while he was stuck in space. Clarke, who loves him. Probably just as much as he loves her.

“You care about him.” That’s Lexa’s voice, Bellamy notes.

Clarke turns around and it is Lexa. Clarke said, “I care about all of them.”

“But you worry about him more.”

“I couldn’t have kept us alive all this time without him. We need him,” Clarke said.

“This isn’t it,” Bill says and the connection cuts off and Levitt looks worried. “Find anything about the Key and notify me when you have any new information. Start from the beginning with her. I don’t care how long it takes.”

With that, Bill and his guards leave. All that’s left in the room is him, Clarke, and Levitt. Levitt rushes over to Clarke while she groans. He’s giving Bellamy side looks and tries to unsubtly loosen up her restraints up until Bellamy closes the distance between them and Levitt stills. He steps back, but Bellamy plows forward and unbuckles everything. Clarke’s practically limp when he shoves everything off from her.

She blinks once as he takes away the M-Cap and he cradles her head in his hand, wiping away the blood that trickles down over her skin.

“Hey, hey, hey,” he whispers and she just blinks up at him again, groggy. “Clarke, I’m so sorry.”

Clarke reaches a hand up to Bellamy’s face, like she did days before, but she’s weaker now. Thanks to him. “Couldn’t stop them,” she slurs. “‘m sorry too.”

“It’s okay, Clarke,” he tries to console her. “It’s my fault. I let them do this to you.”

“You just wanted to help everyone,” she says. She’s shivering, so he takes off his jacket and places it over her, sitting her up first. He perches on the side as he maneuvers his jacket. Her head slumps forward and rests on his shoulder. She hisses when her wounds pinch and move, but she settles comfortably in his arms. “That’s what you do, Bellamy. You wanna help, I know. But this… this isn’t the right way.”

Bellamy presses his lips to her damp hair and sighs. “I know, but what are we gonna do?”

“I don’t know, but we’ll figure it out. Together.”

“Together,” he repeats, holding her closer to him.

Levitt, who’s been staring at them for the last minute just purses his lips. He says, “I think I have an idea. But we need to talk to Octavia, Jordan, and Gabriel.”

“I’ll get them,” Bellamy says, but looks down at Clarke who’s dozing off. “Just… just give me a few minutes with her. Please.”

Levitt nods and leaves.

Bellamy picks up one of her hands and kisses her knuckles. Her fingers tighten slightly and he smiles softly. They can do this. With Clarke by his side, he can do anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed !!!! find me on [tumblr](http://the1oo.tumblr.com/) :D


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